Welcome to the bio I wrote.

“About Me” is usually where you go to read interesting things about the person the website was named after. But I’m not actually that interesting. I had a pretty safe and decent upbringing. My parents are still together. I’ve never ridden a bike or broken my arm or been stranded abroad or met a celebrity. (Unless you count the one time St. Vincent retweeted me.)

I, personally, am not that fascinating. But I do have a lot of ideas. I think that celebrities should start making designer mustards like they do with hot sauce and wine. I think an apocalypse brought on by monkeys would be worse than an apocalypse brought on by robots. I think there needs to be a bluegrass Bon Jovi cover band called Ban Jovi.

I also make a lot of stuff up. I write songs and comedy sketches and the occasional embarrassing iPhone Notes App poem. I also write ads. (Which I’m sure is the reason you’re here.) Turns out, if you like having ideas and making stuff up, you can just live a colorful life. You don’t have to live a wild and crazy one. And thank goodness. That sounds exhausting.